No longer a marionette.

“The image you present is rather iconic. At first glance, you have a classic look about you: your curly hair and the way it falls over your lap while you sleep in the palm of your hand; your red sweater and how it appropriately accentuates your Victorian-esque fare skin; your copy of Brothers Karamazov facing backwards tilted forlornly in your arms… you look just like a beautifully sad marionette. But what gives it all away is the real kicker – those chucks you’re wearing bring it all back to reality.”

The subway can be a very interesting place. I have seen the worst and the best of things, and have had an old friend randomly sit right next to me and awaken me to the happy surprise of finding a familiar and friendly soul in the midst of an abyss of tens of thousands of strangers. It gets me where I’m going in an ambiance of utter presence. It’s there that I feel the most, see the most, and rest the most out of all my time in this city. Pleasantly enough, one stranger felt like sharing the piece of art he saw in me and there couldn't have been a timelier reminder of the reality I've built up around myself here and throughout all of my life.

Really this city has been such a playground for me. Not once have I felt like I don’t want to be here. I miss my dearest people so much, but the glory of this open and boundless freedom has kept me enraptured with the excitement of New York. It is crowded, strangers speak to or yell at you out of turn (even smack you if they feel so entitled), and it smells god-awful much of the time… but I don’t have to do anything but be what I want to be. I don’t have a soul here that expects anything of me and for the past 9 months I have really been given a taste of what it’s like to change my own expectations of myself. I mean really decide to be what I want. I can move across the country on a whim and wake up every day saying to myself how I want to feel, but to KNOW and actually feel that that’s all I have to feel is so liberating. To know that what I've built up out of necessity or a decision to make things work the only way I know how isn't necessarily the only option is just… just like I weigh as much as a feather. SO.IN.LOVE.

I've met many great ones and built upon relationships with people I feel fortunate to call close friends. I've encountered beautiful personifications of the kind of compatibility I hope to experience long term, eventually, and learned how to positively experience the natural course of those kinds of things. I've enjoyed sharing this place with friends from my past and the excellent family that’s made it out here for a visit. Above all, I've forgiven, loved, and embraced myself freely. This has really set the tone for what has shown up.

Part of my goal in coming here had somewhat of a rebellious nature (duh). After a life full of wondering and worrying what others were thinking or experiencing of me, I wanted to answer to NO one. Not anyone. No matter how much I love them. I wanted to feel like I had zero obligations and run wild. This worked well – it gave me the space to realize what it meant to have real relationships with real great people. I discovered that after all this time the ones that have lasted are still there for deeply important reasons. And I MISS them so SO much now that I've settled into me. I've recently had the great fortune of being Maid of Honor in one of the best-friend-I-ever-could-hope-for’s weddings. It was all a deeply healing process because although I knew our love for each other was genuine, after all this selfish time of discovery I now appreciate so much more what it means to have such an unconditional love. It’s a true gift. I feel so ready for this world because of it. Thank you, lpz. You are a beautiful illustration of righteous power and grace that I am privileged to love.

I’m now being bombarded with a forceful glance at the growth I've yet to accomplish. The stories—the job, the necessities, the limitations, the fears, worries, and uncertainties—are all coming to light. If I’m to love what I’m doing, where I am, and WHO I am, why don’t I do it the way I want to?? I’m staying awake with me. No more expectations or boxed-in modules of life and I've got just the chucks to walk right outside of them. I’m no longer a marionette.