I'm fearfully and emotionally embarking on the choice to do what I have always been afraid of: to go without knowing how I will make it work or how I will survive; to let go of any ounce of control I ever used to know deep within myself that I must have over the outcome; to trust that if I know this is what I truly want, it will certainly play out in only the most perfect way. Perfect can mean a lot of things, and so to me it is the unknown. That is the only way I know it will turn out right, because control has so many times limited any possibilities I found myself encountering, for necessity of shaping whatever it may have been to be exactly what I knew I could handle. How did I know I couldn't handle more?
I guess I'm about to find out. When I made my decision to move across the country, I knew in every ounce of myself that it was exactly the right choice. Of course I didn't know why, but there was no grain of fear nor doubt in the decision - this is how I knew I didn't have to know why. And in the ensuing weeks, time after time I was shown and I was told that it was the perfect choice. I watched things fall into my lap and situations unfold in my favor: Within two weeks of making this decision I was offered a place to stay rent-free until I left, I sold all of my furniture to the incoming tenant of my soon-to-be ex-apartment, I received money left and right to show me I was moving in the right direction, I found a roommate and several exciting potential jobs. I received support from unexpected sources and was lifted into the right-ness of this decision so powerfully that there was not a doubt in my mind. It is so easy to be free.
It is just as easy, however, to let fears get the better of you and eat at you until you begin waking up with anxiety every morning. It is just as easy to say, "how could I have thought it would all work out perfectly?" How could I imagine that all expenses would be taken care of and life would be so perfect? How will I pay for all the things and get the job I want and go to school and have it all be taken care of? How could I just leave my whole family, my whole life and all my friends behind? I just don't know. And it scares the shit out of me. But, I guess the comfort is in the same freedom that brought me to this perfect choice - the choice to make choices and to have faith in the perfection of the unknown, no matter what it looks like. Life unfolds, no matter where you find yourself. And if I choose to be awake for it, I will not be left needing or wanting.
So cheers, to all the pain and all the joy I'm about to find for myself, cheers to living, and cheers to freedom.
