I’ve grown up knowing emotion in music. It was what
enlivened my home and every car ride with my dad I can remember. I’ve even successfully
made my Gran dance to it! Several years ago we stumbled upon a heart-stopping trumpet
concert on TV. In the more recent past, I have fervently searched for this
artist so that I could relive that manna to my ears. I’ve searched for ANY
trumpet jazz, for that matter. He was a god (he was young and blonde, if
anybody has any idea who currently melts Opera halls with trumpets, I would be
forever grateful if you could tell me).
Music, indeed, is the window to my soul. It moves me beyond
words – really it makes my essence dance. Trumpet makes me melt, and music in
general moves every cell of my body to ecstasy. No matter what kind of day I’ve
had, if I turn it up so loud that I can’t feel anything but its vibration, I’m
brought back to the center of the universe in the most euphoric way.
Sophomore year of college I was studying International
Relations with a particular interest in Latin America. I was talking to my
friend Stacy about joining Peace Corps and my sister was studying abroad in
France. I thought there was no better way to really dive into my passion about
the language and culture than to go study abroad and later join Peace Corps.
But I was too scared. I never studied abroad. My fears diminished my faith in
the truth of my heart’s desire.
My first legal drinking years were spent mainly seeking out
live music in order to experience this elation, and the Torch Club fast became
my favorite venue of all time… in Sacramento. Live blues: man, you couldn’t
move me any deeper than that. I drank at the Torch Club, and I found bliss to
dance. In turn, I danced to reach bliss.
I invested time in my spirituality. I talked to whoever
would listen (mostly mom, of course) about life and past lives and meaning and
purpose and loving, and how all of that was foundational. Volunteering and music,
and the two combined, brought me the meaning and purpose, and conversations brought
me to unabashed acceptance of whatever you want to believe. Who really knows
who’s right and who’s wrong, anyway?
I dated guys and always cheated myself out of the real deal.
I was never good enough, right? Or they weren’t… but ultimately, in retrospect,
I didn’t know what I wanted then. And I told myself terrible stories about
myself to keep from making glorious mistakes. Well, the deeper kinds, anyway. I
convinced myself nobody really wanted ME. And it made it so easy to protect myself
from the real heartache and
vulnerability.
I joined Peace Corps (YES – I defeated that fear). I put
myself through my most inner hell to find real relationships – gaining 40
pounds protected me from the vulnerability and made me free to love people
unconditionally. I no longer had to worry about the messy shit (just my health
and my personal image). And I DANCED. I moved more freely than ever in my life.
And I met with euphoria on a regular basis.
Moving home was a necessary evil after seeing way more life than
I could handle for two years. Same job, same life, and luckily the same amazing
family and friends, but WAY different me. I was stifled and afraid and so
utterly convinced I was trapped and not free to do what my heart so wanted to
do (wait, what was that again?). I lived in solitary hell for 8 months, until I
took care. I enveloped the love and support of my family and friends and
treated my body better and loved me. I became strong and then… dated BEAUTIFUL,
and beautifully challenging men.
What better way to save myself than to experience true
harmony? Global Harmony. Enough said. Wait, so, I was inflicting my own prison.
I was too timid to actually share my truth and ACT on my desires: of course
they were far too unattainable for never-quite-good-enough me. I made a list of what I wanted. What if I just went
back to school? That IS what I want to do, to start what I want to do. What if
I moved to wherever I wanted to go to do that? New York? CRAZY idea. How could
I ever make that work? Well, I danced. Soberly uninhibited. And in a moment of
divine clarity while dancing to Daft Punk’s new “Lose Yourself to Dance,” I
decided I didn’t have to know how. Unsolicited free rent, car sold, great
apartment, utter faith in truth… that was the recipe. And here I am.
Absolute wonderment. If one person could experience any more
serendipity and ALIVE-ness, please: I must meet them so we can do it together.
This joy should be shared. Joy in creation and awe at what manifests from following
one’s dreams. A lesson in patience is upon me, for so much has happened so fast
that I’m writhing with desire for what’s next. Please let another whirlwind
befall me, ahorita if possible.
Oh, and there’s live jazz you say? SMOKE, three doors down
from me. Live blues with an old friend? ANYTIME. This is the life. Free drink
from the manager who bumped my elbow and asked if I could move out of the way
of the cocktail waitresses? SURE! NO apologies necessary, Mr. Manager. OH PARDON
ME, you’re excusing yourself because you have
to play the trumpet next song? By all means, let me make way. So you’ve written
trumpet lines for and played with Mick Jagger and Steely Dan? And you’ll be playing
at SMOKE tomorrow, you say? Definitely, I will be there. I MELT with your trumpet’s
delivery of passion and your paradigm’s explosion of nonconformity. And yes I, too,
feel that we’ve known each other for eons. So let’s spend two more weeks
together and watch movies. I’ve never seen Cloud Atlas, what’s that about? Hmmm…
so you’re moving to Latin America. Costa Rica. You’re moving into my paradise.
And I’m so excited for you. Thank you for being a reason in my life. My list has been met.
And now what is next? I’m ready. And I’m so willing to BE. I
AM here for all of it. So keep it coming, New York.
