History

I’ve grown up knowing emotion in music. It was what enlivened my home and every car ride with my dad I can remember. I’ve even successfully made my Gran dance to it! Several years ago we stumbled upon a heart-stopping trumpet concert on TV. In the more recent past, I have fervently searched for this artist so that I could relive that manna to my ears. I’ve searched for ANY trumpet jazz, for that matter. He was a god (he was young and blonde, if anybody has any idea who currently melts Opera halls with trumpets, I would be forever grateful if you could tell me).

Music, indeed, is the window to my soul. It moves me beyond words – really it makes my essence dance. Trumpet makes me melt, and music in general moves every cell of my body to ecstasy. No matter what kind of day I’ve had, if I turn it up so loud that I can’t feel anything but its vibration, I’m brought back to the center of the universe in the most euphoric way.

Sophomore year of college I was studying International Relations with a particular interest in Latin America. I was talking to my friend Stacy about joining Peace Corps and my sister was studying abroad in France. I thought there was no better way to really dive into my passion about the language and culture than to go study abroad and later join Peace Corps. But I was too scared. I never studied abroad. My fears diminished my faith in the truth of my heart’s desire.

My first legal drinking years were spent mainly seeking out live music in order to experience this elation, and the Torch Club fast became my favorite venue of all time… in Sacramento. Live blues: man, you couldn’t move me any deeper than that. I drank at the Torch Club, and I found bliss to dance. In turn, I danced to reach bliss. 

I invested time in my spirituality. I talked to whoever would listen (mostly mom, of course) about life and past lives and meaning and purpose and loving, and how all of that was foundational. Volunteering and music, and the two combined, brought me the meaning and purpose, and conversations brought me to unabashed acceptance of whatever you want to believe. Who really knows who’s right and who’s wrong, anyway?

I dated guys and always cheated myself out of the real deal. I was never good enough, right? Or they weren’t… but ultimately, in retrospect, I didn’t know what I wanted then. And I told myself terrible stories about myself to keep from making glorious mistakes. Well, the deeper kinds, anyway. I convinced myself nobody really wanted ME. And it made it so easy to protect myself from the real heartache and vulnerability.

I joined Peace Corps (YES – I defeated that fear). I put myself through my most inner hell to find real relationships – gaining 40 pounds protected me from the vulnerability and made me free to love people unconditionally. I no longer had to worry about the messy shit (just my health and my personal image). And I DANCED. I moved more freely than ever in my life. And I met with euphoria on a regular basis.

Moving home was a necessary evil after seeing way more life than I could handle for two years. Same job, same life, and luckily the same amazing family and friends, but WAY different me. I was stifled and afraid and so utterly convinced I was trapped and not free to do what my heart so wanted to do (wait, what was that again?). I lived in solitary hell for 8 months, until I took care. I enveloped the love and support of my family and friends and treated my body better and loved me. I became strong and then… dated BEAUTIFUL, and beautifully challenging men.

What better way to save myself than to experience true harmony? Global Harmony. Enough said. Wait, so, I was inflicting my own prison. I was too timid to actually share my truth and ACT on my desires: of course they were far too unattainable for never-quite-good-enough me. I made a list of what I wanted. What if I just went back to school? That IS what I want to do, to start what I want to do. What if I moved to wherever I wanted to go to do that? New York? CRAZY idea. How could I ever make that work? Well, I danced. Soberly uninhibited. And in a moment of divine clarity while dancing to Daft Punk’s new “Lose Yourself to Dance,” I decided I didn’t have to know how. Unsolicited free rent, car sold, great apartment, utter faith in truth… that was the recipe. And here I am.

Absolute wonderment. If one person could experience any more serendipity and ALIVE-ness, please: I must meet them so we can do it together. This joy should be shared. Joy in creation and awe at what manifests from following one’s dreams. A lesson in patience is upon me, for so much has happened so fast that I’m writhing with desire for what’s next. Please let another whirlwind befall me, ahorita if possible.

Oh, and there’s live jazz you say? SMOKE, three doors down from me. Live blues with an old friend? ANYTIME. This is the life. Free drink from the manager who bumped my elbow and asked if I could move out of the way of the cocktail waitresses? SURE! NO apologies necessary, Mr. Manager. OH PARDON ME, you’re excusing yourself because you have to play the trumpet next song? By all means, let me make way. So you’ve written trumpet lines for and played with Mick Jagger and Steely Dan? And you’ll be playing at SMOKE tomorrow, you say? Definitely, I will be there. I MELT with your trumpet’s delivery of passion and your paradigm’s explosion of nonconformity. And yes I, too, feel that we’ve known each other for eons. So let’s spend two more weeks together and watch movies. I’ve never seen Cloud Atlas, what’s that about? Hmmm… so you’re moving to Latin America. Costa Rica. You’re moving into my paradise. And I’m so excited for you. Thank you for being a reason in my life. My list has been met.

And now what is next? I’m ready. And I’m so willing to BE. I AM here for all of it. So keep it coming, New York.

I Am Creator.

As I enjoy my fifth weekend in New York, I reflect on the MANY profound and serendipitous experiences I’ve had in this short time. I feel alive, most certainly, and I absolutely LOVE New York. I will preface my account of what all has happened by saying that I’ve so entirely enjoyed being challenged to accept that I am free and that everything I decide or encounter is a measure of proving it to me. I am here to please ME, and I am so pleased.

Over the past five weeks I’ve gone to birthday parties, gone bowling in Brooklyn, spent real time with some of my best friends, been on interviews, seen Alicia Keys and John Mayer and Stevie Wonder perform in Central Park for the Global Citizen Festival (where Bono, Janele Monae, Nelson Mandela’s son and nephew, the female presidents of both Malawi and Liberia, Elvis Costello, and many promoters of a global citizenship attended), eaten tons of AMAZING food, watched delicious live Jazz at SMOKE Jazz and Supper lounge, shopped far too much (and bought blue suede shoes!), gone to a concert at Radio City, made friends at my local Starbucks, joined a cheap gym, participated in a Peace Corps information session at NYU to share stories, seen the Statue of Liberty from the Staten Island Ferry, been all over the city on the Subway (almost have it down), jumped onto the Sunday Brunch train, gone to the 9/11 memorial (and of course I cried…), signed up to volunteer at the Pumpkin Fest and paint pumpkins with kids, had conversations with people who speak the language of truth, lost a few pounds, been rained on, sweat my eyeballs out the very next day, gone to a wine and chocolate bar (YUM), and got a job.

I love my apartment. I live near everything: a laundromat, a post office, almost every type of ethnic food you can imagine, a grocery store, Central Park, a Ben & Jerry’s, a Rite Aid, a yoga studio, a Starbucks, a pub, a subway stop, a green juice/raw food café, and $4 margaritas (this is VERY inexpensive here – and they’re good). And it’s big and beautiful and I have three sweet roommates. One of them also went to UCLA and we discovered that we actually took a class together in 2007 but didn’t know it – small world! I slept on the couch my first two weeks because it took forever for my bed to arrive, but what sweet satisfaction once it did! Memory Foam – it’s incredible. I still don’t have any other furniture so there are boxes all over my tiny room (8.5’x8.5’), but I believe it will all come soon.

I’ve had an amazing time reuniting with some of my favorites, almost too much fun. It’s good that I’m starting work next week. The job hunt seemed like forever to me, although I’m told this is quite a quick turnaround. There was a lot of stress about interviews, competing recruiting companies, and expectations that seemed too demanding based on the capabilities of one person. Fortunately I met people who encouraged me to stand strong in what I wanted and not just take what I knew what I was good at… a sweet reminder that I came here for the right reasons. So I had several great interviews and was quickly offered a job. When I found out how much they would pay and that it would be a one-year contract, I said NO WAY. So when my recruiter asked how much I would need to be paid to accept the position I said, confident that there were several other promising and potentially more self-aligning prospects, that I would take it if they raised the wage by $6/hour. So she asked the company. And they accepted.

Before I divulge what it is, I want to share this quote. I found it in the Turned-on Woman’s Manifesto (really just amazing – you should read it) and felt it quite resonated. It is an idea that I held in mind before I came here and actually for quite a few years prior because it helps dispel the fear of the unknown, and empowers to create what you want by providing boundless possibilities: “A turned-on woman isn’t defined by her circumstances. She defines her circumstances by who she chooses to be within them. Urban career woman, suburban secret agent—it is the substance, not the packaging, that determines her destiny.”

Bearing that in mind, I knew that being here and doing whatever I find myself doing would be designed by me. And I’m here to trust that what ends up happening is only a means of putting me on that right path. So when I realized how much this big pharmaceutical company really wanted me, I had to look closely at what it all meant to me. I’m about nutrition, pretty naturalistic by idea and by practice (mostly). I’m about promoting personal empowerment for healthy lifestyles and greatness in general. Working for this company seemed like it would pull me away from some of these ideas, but this just happened in a big way. So it remains to be seen whether I was just succumbing to the necessity of getting my first paycheck ASAP or if there is something more in this for me. From what I understand, I will be working in the Health and Safety office where the focus is patient safety. That could mean a whole deluge of things when it comes to pharmaceuticals, but I figure there is no harm in finding out, and I'm intrigued that something so seemingly opposite of my interests would be thrown at me. I’ll be Administrative Assistant to the Executive Director and two other Senior Directors, who were really very pleasant people from what I experienced in our interview encounter.

So, I’m here to create what I want, wherever I find myself. There will be real relationships built and real work done, and who knows what else may come. I’m fantasizing that they’ll pay for my Masters of Public Health – it wouldn’t be entirely outside of the Pharmaceutical Industry’s realm of interests… a girl can dream.

I’m ready, New York. Now it’s time for some live blues (my FAVORITE).

Freedom is What?

Freedom is a debatable concept. To many it signifies the fruits of deep pain and suffering, and rightfully so. For others it is a right we have been given that must be revered. For some, like myself, it is a choice I must make every day I wake up. It is a choice to make choices as if there were no thing or person to tell me I shouldn't, or that I can't, or that I must do things a different way if I want to survive... Survive. But live? Survival isn't freedom. Living is freedom. 

I'm fearfully and emotionally embarking on the choice to do what I have always been afraid of: to go without knowing how I will make it work or how I will survive; to let go of any ounce of control I ever used to know deep within myself that I must have over the outcome; to trust that if I know this is what I truly want, it will certainly play out in only the most perfect way. Perfect can mean a lot of things, and so to me it is the unknown. That is the only way I know it will turn out right, because control has so many times limited any possibilities I found myself encountering, for necessity of shaping whatever it may have been to be exactly what I knew I could handle. How did I know I couldn't handle more? 

I guess I'm about to find out. When I made my decision to move across the country, I knew in every ounce of myself that it was exactly the right choice. Of course I didn't know why, but there was no grain of fear nor doubt in the decision - this is how I knew I didn't have to know why. And in the ensuing weeks, time after time I was shown and I was told that it was the perfect choice. I watched things fall into my lap and situations unfold in my favor: Within two weeks of making this decision I was offered a place to stay rent-free until I left, I sold all of my furniture to the incoming tenant of my soon-to-be ex-apartment, I received money left and right to show me I was moving in the right direction, I found a roommate and several exciting potential jobs. I received support from unexpected sources and was lifted into the right-ness of this decision so powerfully that there was not a doubt in my mind. It is so easy to be free. 

It is just as easy, however, to let fears get the better of you and eat at you until you begin waking up with anxiety every morning. It is just as easy to say, "how could I have thought it would all work out perfectly?" How could I imagine that all expenses would be taken care of and life would be so perfect? How will I pay for all the things and get the job I want and go to school and have it all be taken care of? How could I just leave my whole family, my whole life and all my friends behind? I just don't know. And it scares the shit out of me. 

But, I guess the comfort is in the same freedom that brought me to this perfect choice - the choice to make choices and to have faith in the perfection of the unknown, no matter what it looks like. Life unfolds, no matter where you find yourself. And if I choose to be awake for it, I will not be left needing or wanting. 

So cheers, to all the pain and all the joy I'm about to find for myself, cheers to living, and cheers to freedom.