Thankful.

Today is Thanksgiving. It’s snowing and I’m eating freshly baked cookies after having spent the morning with my beloveds watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. I love this day. I feel as if I’ve been given much to be thankful for this year, and what a journey it has been.

2014 has brought many struggles. I've found myself barely holding onto a cord of hope, being pulled by the weight of the unknown and fear. It’s a scary thing to follow your dreams when it’s completely uncharted territory. It takes utter faith in knowing that it will all work out when you have every sign of the contrary. It also requires an awareness that those signs are interpreted solely by you, and are therefore whatever you make them to be. I have been so scared. I have felt shameful for not having achieved what I wanted and for being where I am in my life right now. As bright and shiny as it may appear to be following my heart, it is an enormous challenge to break out of tunnel vision when you’ve never learned how to see another way.

It’s funny how it works. You make a decision that you know through and through as the only right next step, and you let it happen. You just know it will work because it’s the only thing you believe in. All the things you need appear, perhaps not always how you expected but it all unfolds. The minute you let in the idea that it might not work out, you become consumed by the not-so-desirable alternative possibilities you’ve seen and they cloud your vision so that you’re unable to see or accept the favors that come your way. I’ve been stuck in that tunnel for almost all year. I was unable to recall the sentiment or emotion I carried when things DID work out, and I got absorbed into the minute by minute un-happenings – so much so that I lost my glimpse of the prize.

Today I’m particularly grateful because I’ve got it back. I am open, and I feel safe in all the decisions that have led me to this point. I suppose when you get on that path and go headfirst into the infinite, you are confronted with all of the things that have kept you from reaching what you most desire. You really do need to work through all of it, whether or not you even know it’s there. You’ll be shown – and you’ll be forced to reckon with yourself on all levels. As painful and convoluted as this is, I highly recommend it. There are ever higher heights and levels of being that we all are capable of striving for and to allow the uncomfortable into your life is to reach for those heights with all of your might. The strength must be built, but we are fully equipped to build it.

I urge you to allow yourself to be doing and feeling everything that you are experiencing. And really see what you’re feeling. You’ll see so much more, and you’ll come out on the other side knowing exponentially more what it means to be living. Acknowledge the pain and love yourself anyway. See where you’re hurting and love yourself anyway. Notice how outside factors are influencing your life and see that YOU are the one driving how you feel. And let it all happen. Just let it because it’s going to anyway. Loving yourself, no matter what is or is not happening, is the fastest way to the other side. And the other side is always there.  

There are infinite possibilities. Just because we cannot see them or see how to reach them, that in no way means they are not there. How could you say with any certainty that they aren’t? Allow the idea to be possible. You’ll be amazed how quickly it appears when you finally open your eyes. I’m thankful to be seeing. And for each of you. May you see, too. Lots of love.

Here's to one year, New York.

It’s beginning to look like fall outside. The clouds were out today, and the cooler breeze was up. I ate a few candy corns to commemorate the changing of the season. There is much newness and growth to be excited about, for it has been one whole year since I arrived in New York. I can’t really comprehend that all that time has passed, especially since I still feel high – this place is still new to me. Sure I got the subway system down and walk the streets at full speed like everyone is in my way, but occasionally (frequently, actually) I stop to just feel where I am. Every day I am grateful for the absence of presumption, expectation, and confinement in my steps.

I’ve experienced a lot of changes in the past twelve months that I feel great about. When I arrived, I got a great paying job and felt pretty set for the ensuing months of discovery and unraveling, all the while knowing it was temporary and meant as an adjustment period. The months dragged on I wished and hoped and despaired for not doing what it was I came here to do and soon enough realized I had needed to really get that “comfort” out of my system. Although I was treated well and living the easy life, the true ease would come with decisions that were natural – not the ones I make because I feel like I have to. There are infinite ways to support yourself and be happy doing so; I do not need to continue this devotion to a paycheck. My contract ends on October 10^th and I’m excited. I’ve learned a lot in the job sphere and even garnered the support of reputable professionals in my dreamy and idealistic pursuit of a second education. YESSSSS – classes have begun!

There is something SO rewarding about really pushing through your fears when it comes to doing what you KNOW you want to and need to do. I’m actually doing my homework this time around, and thoroughly enjoying lecture and lab instead of feeling scared of failing like I vividly remember, and like I recognize strongly in my surrounding 18yo peers. My professor, an adjunct professor whose full-time career is as a Bird Biologist at the American Museum of Natural History, is perfect. His perspective is real-world and open-minded and I just love what he has to say about all the world’s knowledge and un-knowledge and how much room we have to be surprised in life. Never just take anyone’s word for it – how can we ever really know all of the infinite possibilities? PERFECT. I want to chew his brain about all the things and I’m so looking forward to doing that this semester. In short, I am fed very deeply by making this happen for myself. Each minute is pleasantly worthwhile – I made the right choice.

I feel every day like I’m making the right choices. The freedom has settled in – how quickly our habit-changing behavior can take root and bring just what we hoped it would into our lives. The road is long and must be diligently followed, but no failure will sting quite as much as the ones you made before deciding to risk departing with the known. See the world as bringing you fortune and that it will. Very passionately and with much support.

And on we march.

No longer a marionette.

“The image you present is rather iconic. At first glance, you have a classic look about you: your curly hair and the way it falls over your lap while you sleep in the palm of your hand; your red sweater and how it appropriately accentuates your Victorian-esque fare skin; your copy of Brothers Karamazov facing backwards tilted forlornly in your arms… you look just like a beautifully sad marionette. But what gives it all away is the real kicker – those chucks you’re wearing bring it all back to reality.”

The subway can be a very interesting place. I have seen the worst and the best of things, and have had an old friend randomly sit right next to me and awaken me to the happy surprise of finding a familiar and friendly soul in the midst of an abyss of tens of thousands of strangers. It gets me where I’m going in an ambiance of utter presence. It’s there that I feel the most, see the most, and rest the most out of all my time in this city. Pleasantly enough, one stranger felt like sharing the piece of art he saw in me and there couldn't have been a timelier reminder of the reality I've built up around myself here and throughout all of my life.

Really this city has been such a playground for me. Not once have I felt like I don’t want to be here. I miss my dearest people so much, but the glory of this open and boundless freedom has kept me enraptured with the excitement of New York. It is crowded, strangers speak to or yell at you out of turn (even smack you if they feel so entitled), and it smells god-awful much of the time… but I don’t have to do anything but be what I want to be. I don’t have a soul here that expects anything of me and for the past 9 months I have really been given a taste of what it’s like to change my own expectations of myself. I mean really decide to be what I want. I can move across the country on a whim and wake up every day saying to myself how I want to feel, but to KNOW and actually feel that that’s all I have to feel is so liberating. To know that what I've built up out of necessity or a decision to make things work the only way I know how isn't necessarily the only option is just… just like I weigh as much as a feather. SO.IN.LOVE.

I've met many great ones and built upon relationships with people I feel fortunate to call close friends. I've encountered beautiful personifications of the kind of compatibility I hope to experience long term, eventually, and learned how to positively experience the natural course of those kinds of things. I've enjoyed sharing this place with friends from my past and the excellent family that’s made it out here for a visit. Above all, I've forgiven, loved, and embraced myself freely. This has really set the tone for what has shown up.

Part of my goal in coming here had somewhat of a rebellious nature (duh). After a life full of wondering and worrying what others were thinking or experiencing of me, I wanted to answer to NO one. Not anyone. No matter how much I love them. I wanted to feel like I had zero obligations and run wild. This worked well – it gave me the space to realize what it meant to have real relationships with real great people. I discovered that after all this time the ones that have lasted are still there for deeply important reasons. And I MISS them so SO much now that I've settled into me. I've recently had the great fortune of being Maid of Honor in one of the best-friend-I-ever-could-hope-for’s weddings. It was all a deeply healing process because although I knew our love for each other was genuine, after all this selfish time of discovery I now appreciate so much more what it means to have such an unconditional love. It’s a true gift. I feel so ready for this world because of it. Thank you, lpz. You are a beautiful illustration of righteous power and grace that I am privileged to love.

I’m now being bombarded with a forceful glance at the growth I've yet to accomplish. The stories—the job, the necessities, the limitations, the fears, worries, and uncertainties—are all coming to light. If I’m to love what I’m doing, where I am, and WHO I am, why don’t I do it the way I want to?? I’m staying awake with me. No more expectations or boxed-in modules of life and I've got just the chucks to walk right outside of them. I’m no longer a marionette.

History

I’ve grown up knowing emotion in music. It was what enlivened my home and every car ride with my dad I can remember. I’ve even successfully made my Gran dance to it! Several years ago we stumbled upon a heart-stopping trumpet concert on TV. In the more recent past, I have fervently searched for this artist so that I could relive that manna to my ears. I’ve searched for ANY trumpet jazz, for that matter. He was a god (he was young and blonde, if anybody has any idea who currently melts Opera halls with trumpets, I would be forever grateful if you could tell me).

Music, indeed, is the window to my soul. It moves me beyond words – really it makes my essence dance. Trumpet makes me melt, and music in general moves every cell of my body to ecstasy. No matter what kind of day I’ve had, if I turn it up so loud that I can’t feel anything but its vibration, I’m brought back to the center of the universe in the most euphoric way.

Sophomore year of college I was studying International Relations with a particular interest in Latin America. I was talking to my friend Stacy about joining Peace Corps and my sister was studying abroad in France. I thought there was no better way to really dive into my passion about the language and culture than to go study abroad and later join Peace Corps. But I was too scared. I never studied abroad. My fears diminished my faith in the truth of my heart’s desire.

My first legal drinking years were spent mainly seeking out live music in order to experience this elation, and the Torch Club fast became my favorite venue of all time… in Sacramento. Live blues: man, you couldn’t move me any deeper than that. I drank at the Torch Club, and I found bliss to dance. In turn, I danced to reach bliss. 

I invested time in my spirituality. I talked to whoever would listen (mostly mom, of course) about life and past lives and meaning and purpose and loving, and how all of that was foundational. Volunteering and music, and the two combined, brought me the meaning and purpose, and conversations brought me to unabashed acceptance of whatever you want to believe. Who really knows who’s right and who’s wrong, anyway?

I dated guys and always cheated myself out of the real deal. I was never good enough, right? Or they weren’t… but ultimately, in retrospect, I didn’t know what I wanted then. And I told myself terrible stories about myself to keep from making glorious mistakes. Well, the deeper kinds, anyway. I convinced myself nobody really wanted ME. And it made it so easy to protect myself from the real heartache and vulnerability.

I joined Peace Corps (YES – I defeated that fear). I put myself through my most inner hell to find real relationships – gaining 40 pounds protected me from the vulnerability and made me free to love people unconditionally. I no longer had to worry about the messy shit (just my health and my personal image). And I DANCED. I moved more freely than ever in my life. And I met with euphoria on a regular basis.

Moving home was a necessary evil after seeing way more life than I could handle for two years. Same job, same life, and luckily the same amazing family and friends, but WAY different me. I was stifled and afraid and so utterly convinced I was trapped and not free to do what my heart so wanted to do (wait, what was that again?). I lived in solitary hell for 8 months, until I took care. I enveloped the love and support of my family and friends and treated my body better and loved me. I became strong and then… dated BEAUTIFUL, and beautifully challenging men.

What better way to save myself than to experience true harmony? Global Harmony. Enough said. Wait, so, I was inflicting my own prison. I was too timid to actually share my truth and ACT on my desires: of course they were far too unattainable for never-quite-good-enough me. I made a list of what I wanted. What if I just went back to school? That IS what I want to do, to start what I want to do. What if I moved to wherever I wanted to go to do that? New York? CRAZY idea. How could I ever make that work? Well, I danced. Soberly uninhibited. And in a moment of divine clarity while dancing to Daft Punk’s new “Lose Yourself to Dance,” I decided I didn’t have to know how. Unsolicited free rent, car sold, great apartment, utter faith in truth… that was the recipe. And here I am.

Absolute wonderment. If one person could experience any more serendipity and ALIVE-ness, please: I must meet them so we can do it together. This joy should be shared. Joy in creation and awe at what manifests from following one’s dreams. A lesson in patience is upon me, for so much has happened so fast that I’m writhing with desire for what’s next. Please let another whirlwind befall me, ahorita if possible.

Oh, and there’s live jazz you say? SMOKE, three doors down from me. Live blues with an old friend? ANYTIME. This is the life. Free drink from the manager who bumped my elbow and asked if I could move out of the way of the cocktail waitresses? SURE! NO apologies necessary, Mr. Manager. OH PARDON ME, you’re excusing yourself because you have to play the trumpet next song? By all means, let me make way. So you’ve written trumpet lines for and played with Mick Jagger and Steely Dan? And you’ll be playing at SMOKE tomorrow, you say? Definitely, I will be there. I MELT with your trumpet’s delivery of passion and your paradigm’s explosion of nonconformity. And yes I, too, feel that we’ve known each other for eons. So let’s spend two more weeks together and watch movies. I’ve never seen Cloud Atlas, what’s that about? Hmmm… so you’re moving to Latin America. Costa Rica. You’re moving into my paradise. And I’m so excited for you. Thank you for being a reason in my life. My list has been met.

And now what is next? I’m ready. And I’m so willing to BE. I AM here for all of it. So keep it coming, New York.

I Am Creator.

As I enjoy my fifth weekend in New York, I reflect on the MANY profound and serendipitous experiences I’ve had in this short time. I feel alive, most certainly, and I absolutely LOVE New York. I will preface my account of what all has happened by saying that I’ve so entirely enjoyed being challenged to accept that I am free and that everything I decide or encounter is a measure of proving it to me. I am here to please ME, and I am so pleased.

Over the past five weeks I’ve gone to birthday parties, gone bowling in Brooklyn, spent real time with some of my best friends, been on interviews, seen Alicia Keys and John Mayer and Stevie Wonder perform in Central Park for the Global Citizen Festival (where Bono, Janele Monae, Nelson Mandela’s son and nephew, the female presidents of both Malawi and Liberia, Elvis Costello, and many promoters of a global citizenship attended), eaten tons of AMAZING food, watched delicious live Jazz at SMOKE Jazz and Supper lounge, shopped far too much (and bought blue suede shoes!), gone to a concert at Radio City, made friends at my local Starbucks, joined a cheap gym, participated in a Peace Corps information session at NYU to share stories, seen the Statue of Liberty from the Staten Island Ferry, been all over the city on the Subway (almost have it down), jumped onto the Sunday Brunch train, gone to the 9/11 memorial (and of course I cried…), signed up to volunteer at the Pumpkin Fest and paint pumpkins with kids, had conversations with people who speak the language of truth, lost a few pounds, been rained on, sweat my eyeballs out the very next day, gone to a wine and chocolate bar (YUM), and got a job.

I love my apartment. I live near everything: a laundromat, a post office, almost every type of ethnic food you can imagine, a grocery store, Central Park, a Ben & Jerry’s, a Rite Aid, a yoga studio, a Starbucks, a pub, a subway stop, a green juice/raw food café, and $4 margaritas (this is VERY inexpensive here – and they’re good). And it’s big and beautiful and I have three sweet roommates. One of them also went to UCLA and we discovered that we actually took a class together in 2007 but didn’t know it – small world! I slept on the couch my first two weeks because it took forever for my bed to arrive, but what sweet satisfaction once it did! Memory Foam – it’s incredible. I still don’t have any other furniture so there are boxes all over my tiny room (8.5’x8.5’), but I believe it will all come soon.

I’ve had an amazing time reuniting with some of my favorites, almost too much fun. It’s good that I’m starting work next week. The job hunt seemed like forever to me, although I’m told this is quite a quick turnaround. There was a lot of stress about interviews, competing recruiting companies, and expectations that seemed too demanding based on the capabilities of one person. Fortunately I met people who encouraged me to stand strong in what I wanted and not just take what I knew what I was good at… a sweet reminder that I came here for the right reasons. So I had several great interviews and was quickly offered a job. When I found out how much they would pay and that it would be a one-year contract, I said NO WAY. So when my recruiter asked how much I would need to be paid to accept the position I said, confident that there were several other promising and potentially more self-aligning prospects, that I would take it if they raised the wage by $6/hour. So she asked the company. And they accepted.

Before I divulge what it is, I want to share this quote. I found it in the Turned-on Woman’s Manifesto (really just amazing – you should read it) and felt it quite resonated. It is an idea that I held in mind before I came here and actually for quite a few years prior because it helps dispel the fear of the unknown, and empowers to create what you want by providing boundless possibilities: “A turned-on woman isn’t defined by her circumstances. She defines her circumstances by who she chooses to be within them. Urban career woman, suburban secret agent—it is the substance, not the packaging, that determines her destiny.”

Bearing that in mind, I knew that being here and doing whatever I find myself doing would be designed by me. And I’m here to trust that what ends up happening is only a means of putting me on that right path. So when I realized how much this big pharmaceutical company really wanted me, I had to look closely at what it all meant to me. I’m about nutrition, pretty naturalistic by idea and by practice (mostly). I’m about promoting personal empowerment for healthy lifestyles and greatness in general. Working for this company seemed like it would pull me away from some of these ideas, but this just happened in a big way. So it remains to be seen whether I was just succumbing to the necessity of getting my first paycheck ASAP or if there is something more in this for me. From what I understand, I will be working in the Health and Safety office where the focus is patient safety. That could mean a whole deluge of things when it comes to pharmaceuticals, but I figure there is no harm in finding out, and I'm intrigued that something so seemingly opposite of my interests would be thrown at me. I’ll be Administrative Assistant to the Executive Director and two other Senior Directors, who were really very pleasant people from what I experienced in our interview encounter.

So, I’m here to create what I want, wherever I find myself. There will be real relationships built and real work done, and who knows what else may come. I’m fantasizing that they’ll pay for my Masters of Public Health – it wouldn’t be entirely outside of the Pharmaceutical Industry’s realm of interests… a girl can dream.

I’m ready, New York. Now it’s time for some live blues (my FAVORITE).

Freedom is What?

Freedom is a debatable concept. To many it signifies the fruits of deep pain and suffering, and rightfully so. For others it is a right we have been given that must be revered. For some, like myself, it is a choice I must make every day I wake up. It is a choice to make choices as if there were no thing or person to tell me I shouldn't, or that I can't, or that I must do things a different way if I want to survive... Survive. But live? Survival isn't freedom. Living is freedom. 

I'm fearfully and emotionally embarking on the choice to do what I have always been afraid of: to go without knowing how I will make it work or how I will survive; to let go of any ounce of control I ever used to know deep within myself that I must have over the outcome; to trust that if I know this is what I truly want, it will certainly play out in only the most perfect way. Perfect can mean a lot of things, and so to me it is the unknown. That is the only way I know it will turn out right, because control has so many times limited any possibilities I found myself encountering, for necessity of shaping whatever it may have been to be exactly what I knew I could handle. How did I know I couldn't handle more? 

I guess I'm about to find out. When I made my decision to move across the country, I knew in every ounce of myself that it was exactly the right choice. Of course I didn't know why, but there was no grain of fear nor doubt in the decision - this is how I knew I didn't have to know why. And in the ensuing weeks, time after time I was shown and I was told that it was the perfect choice. I watched things fall into my lap and situations unfold in my favor: Within two weeks of making this decision I was offered a place to stay rent-free until I left, I sold all of my furniture to the incoming tenant of my soon-to-be ex-apartment, I received money left and right to show me I was moving in the right direction, I found a roommate and several exciting potential jobs. I received support from unexpected sources and was lifted into the right-ness of this decision so powerfully that there was not a doubt in my mind. It is so easy to be free. 

It is just as easy, however, to let fears get the better of you and eat at you until you begin waking up with anxiety every morning. It is just as easy to say, "how could I have thought it would all work out perfectly?" How could I imagine that all expenses would be taken care of and life would be so perfect? How will I pay for all the things and get the job I want and go to school and have it all be taken care of? How could I just leave my whole family, my whole life and all my friends behind? I just don't know. And it scares the shit out of me. 

But, I guess the comfort is in the same freedom that brought me to this perfect choice - the choice to make choices and to have faith in the perfection of the unknown, no matter what it looks like. Life unfolds, no matter where you find yourself. And if I choose to be awake for it, I will not be left needing or wanting. 

So cheers, to all the pain and all the joy I'm about to find for myself, cheers to living, and cheers to freedom.